Croeso i Milton Keynes

When  J K Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter book she could surely not have imagined the immense contribution to railway legend she was about to make. Ever since the first time Harry and Ron charged headfirst into the wall at the back of  platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross, a generation of children of a certain age, together with adults of a certain drunken state, have attempted to pass through the solid stone walls of the old station, testament indeed to the writing of the talented Miss Rowling, and, to the strong desire to believe and to the power of extra strong lager.  However, these would be wizards have given us many stories of gruesome injuries and wounded egos. On the train of course we all hear or see things which make us wonder what were they thinking?

For any of you who know the mainline London stations you will know there is only one way in and out. This means, much to Harry Potters delight, there are solid walls at the end of the platforms offering the chance to transport yourself to another rarely visited world known as… hospital.  Earlier this week whilst waiting to leave the station one passenger was heard asking ’which way does the train go? ’ OK we are not all Sherlock Holmes but this is not the Hogwarts Express it’s the 9.24 to a sleepy home counties town that has seen no witchcraft since the days of Matthew Hopkins during the civil war.

So not knowing which way you are going is one thing and being kind, if you don’t use the train very often I suppose it is forgiveable but to not know which country you are in!  A family were talking and the daughter asked ‘where are we?’

‘Milton Keynes’ replied the mother

‘Oh, are we in Wales then’ I think it is safe to assume that the young lady in question will rely heavily on her SatNav in the years to come.

Regularly I am asked all sorts of questions as I walk through the train such as a simple request like ‘what time do we arrive in London’, simple that is providing we are going to London.  Some of my other highlights are the old favourite asking the guard whilst the train is speeding apparently towards oblivion ‘are you the driver’ closely followed by ‘how does the train know where to stop’. I find this interesting because when you have infrequent travellers the guard is probably the only train crew they see so it would seem logical to think that the guard is the driver despite how funny it may sound to those of us in the know.  Also funny was the comment made a teenage boy, who like most teenage boys knew, so he thought, everything,  when telling me in front of  his admiring parents how clever the train computer was to be able to tell the train where to stop. On this occasion I just agreed and both boy and parents were left to feel good, which is surely what my job is all about.   

Up in the North of this great country of ours there is a saying which goes ‘there’s nowt as funny as folk’. Railway passengers, it seems, go out of their way to maintain this old adage, they walk past you, point at the train and ask ‘Is this Nottingham?’ No, it’s a train. Or how about ‘can you tell me what time we arrive’ well, arrive where?’

Now I don’t want to give the impression that I am taking the mickey out of our passengers but I did say that humour abounds on the railway. It is hard not to see the humour in being asked ‘excuse me, but am I on the right train?’  because, you see, I don’t know where you are going.  I do, of course, understand that rail travel can be, to the uninitiated, somewhat confusing. Train stations are often busy, noisy and significantly, full of trains only one of which is yours.

Another question I get asked regularly is,

‘Is this the fast train?’

‘Well it goes over 100mph is that fast enough’ I then walk off grinning like a Cheshire Cat, train crew 1 v Passengers 0. It must be said at this point I always go back and answer the question correctly but you see I just can’t help myself. When I first started working I was told of the importance of asking the correct question which leaves no room for ambiguity. Years ago when I first started working I can still remember being ritually humiliated in a sales training course.  Whilst looking at an imaginary picture on an imaginary wall I asked my trainer ‘are those your children hanging on the wall’ then, realising what I had said, I felt like one those Saturday night revellers running headfirst into platform 9 ¾. So you see, what goes around does indeed come around.