Any one for Eye-spy ?

It is fair to say, I think, that the railways of the United Kingdom do a fabulous job.  90% of trains run to time, without incident. Of course this means that 10% of the time they run late with an incident. Now, there are many reasons why a train may be delayed, train faults, signal failures or trespass are amongst the more common causes.  Unlike cars, trains seldom end up in a traffic jam, so when they do, chaos is bound to reign.  Just a few short months ago chaos did indeed ensue after my last train working of the night was caught up in one of these rare events, namely a train jam.

Now, on the evening in question we had left on time with a reasonable number of passengers. As we closed on our final destination most people had got off and made their way home leaving around 30 people on board for the final four stops. What could possibly go wrong?  Alarm bells started to ring when we were held on a red signal at the end of the platform. I made an announcement to the train ’Ladies and Gentlemen, we are just being held on a red signal and should get permission to proceed on our journey shortly’ This was to prove not my best ever prediction, in fact it ranks up there with Harold Camping announcing the end of the World….twice.  Anyway, after several minutes we still had not moved and then came the voice of doom ’Can the guard contact the driver.’ I marched purposefully up the train trying not to show any concern to the passengers who were beginning to recognise that the work of Dr Cock-up was afoot.

I let myself in to see the driver who told me that a freight train had broken down immediately in front of us and we were likely to be held up for some time. He had spoken with the signaller, who was unable to give us an estimate of how long we would have to wait. I had to tell the passengers the bad news which went down like the proverbial lead balloon. However, most were grateful to be told the situation and some decided to get off and get a taxi because they were only going to the next stop. That left 25 people plus driver and guard on board the stranded train.  The relevance of the number will become apparent. With nothing to do but sit and wait, both passengers and crew settled in for what we hoped would be a short wait, with no idea of the dramas to come.

To be continued

Down but not out

This week had been a quiet week with not much happening until this morning. I was walking through the train and went into 1^st class where I found a man fast asleep. He was well dressed, in a dark blue pin stripe suit but looked as if he had had a hard night. He smelt of alcohol so it came as no surprise that he would not wake up. I left him alone and decided that I would wake him when I came back through.

A few minutes later I returned to the 1^st class carriage and this time I woke him up. He was a very friendly man and he readily agreed to buy a 1st class ticket. He paid for his ticket in cash and you can imagine how surprised I was when he said ‘keep the change’. In this case the change was around £18. I said I couldn’t but the man insisted and went on to explain that he was on his way home having been out all night. I joked with him that his wife wouldn’t speak to him when he got home and he told me almost apologetically that he had last spoken to his wife at 4pm the previous afternoon when he rang her to say he was going out for a few drinks after work.

‘Oh dear, you really will be in trouble’ I told him

’No, I don’t think I will’ he replied with a cheeky grin.

‘You see, after I left my friends I went to the casino and won £17,000’ and calmly he  proceeded to pull out a wad of bank notes from every pocket of his slightly dishevelled, navy blue, pin striped suit.

Special offer 1 for 2 !!

You do meet all types of people on the train. It is fascinating to speak with them because everybody has a story. Without doubt those you remember have, invariably, done something or said something funny. Now I like to think I can always think of something funny to say but as I have already shown you all, many times I am lost for words and yes, it happened again this week.

I met a man coming down the train acting as though he had lost something. I asked if I could help him. He explained he wanted to charge his mobile phone and was looking for a socket. I told him the only sockets were in 1st class.
'I thought so' he said and turned around, but as he walked off I asked to check his ticket. Without question, he got out his wallet and gave me a rather dishevelled looking, but valid ticket. It was one of those which appeared to have been used several times so, I marked the date onto the ticket. As I did so the man walked off  'Excuse me, you need your ticket' I said as I went after him,
'No, it's OK,  I have another' he replied
'Another, for the same journey' I enquired
'Yes, it's in case I lose one !'
I was left standing there totally confused at what I had heard but I can confirm he was serious, he actually did have two tickets for the same journey!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best foot forward

As a guard on the train one of my main duties is the collection of on train revenue, or to put it another way, ticket sales. Now this is part of my work that I really enjoy. I love it when I meet a fare dodger who spins me an elaborate tale involving dragons, demons and a ring which could bring kingdoms to their knees. Well that would be nice, but normally they just claim to have no money.

One Saturday night I met one of these would be hobbits who was on an adventure to the City of London. It was around 8 in the evening and I was not in the best mood having already worked a shift so long I could have read Lord of the Rings.

‘Tickets and Passes please’ I called out and dutifully everyone in the carriage complied with my request. Except that is for one passenger. A young lad started to explain he had no ticket and was not going to buy one because, all together now, he had no money!

However, there was a twist to the plot. He volunteered to go to the ATM and promised he would return to the train to buy a ticket. Now as you can imagine I was more than a little sceptical about his generous offer, being 100% certain that he would run away as fast as his legs would take him. Of course, the practicalities of running to a timetable meant there was no way I could hold up the train to wait for him.

I knew there was no way of prizing any money out of my fare dodger but like a cat with a mouse I decided to have some fun and teach him a lesson at the same time.

‘OK’ I said ‘you can go and get the money but first give me your shoe’

‘What’ he exclaimed. I told him that I thought he would run away if I let him off the train so I wanted his shoe to ensure his swift return. He looked down at his feet and told me ‘but I’ve got no socks on’

I replied it was OK because he could hop. I was duly amazed as he proceeded to untie his shoe and meekly handed it over.  I took it off him and left for the next carriage. As we pulled into the station I heard the internal door open and saw the comic sight of the boy as he hopped slowly towards to me past some astounded fellow travellers. I looked at him standing there on one leg and, to tell the truth I felt slightly sorry for him.

‘I’m sorry’ he told me staring down at his foot

I decided he had learned his lesson,

‘I bet you feel really silly’ I said, embarrassed, he agreed and I gave him back his shoe but not without giving him a stern telling off.         

All together now !

My story begins when I noticed a man leading a one man sing song in a carriage. I politely asked him to stop. However, excess alcohol meant his impromptu Karaoke continued with a rousing rendition of Wonderwall by Oasis.  I say rousing, yet I think shouted would be a better description. I pointed out no-one else wished to here his back catalogue of 90’s Britpop and if he continued he would be ‘invited’ to leave the train. He responded with a familiar comment ‘You can’t throw me off, because I’m getting off you t@#*’. At this point in the pantomime an off duty police officer stepped up to offer assistance. To my drunk this was a heaven sent opportunity and he launched into a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at the Officer, who never rose to the provocation. On arrival at the next station the man stumbled to the door and asked me ‘How far to Aylesbury’

‘About 7 miles’ I replied

‘No seriously, how far?’

‘7 miles’ I said

‘OK how far would it be if the copper wasn’t stood there?’

Baffled I reiterated clearly ‘7 miles’ but the man was still not happy and asked ‘what if I went by taxi?’

I was by now agitated and said sternly ‘it will still be 7 miles’

‘Oh grow up’ he barked at me and disappeared into the night to the strains of a largely off key ‘your twistin’ my melon man’, leaving me speechless at the train door.

Eats shoots and leaves 1

Have you ever considered how funny instructions can be. For instance, the automatic train announcements always advise passengers, when leaving the train to take all their bags with them. Not just some of their bags, but all of them. Has anyone ever, in the history of passenger train travel, sat and wondered if they should take all their bags with them or would it be better to leave one or two behind.

I recently attended a training course entitled ‘What to do in the event of a fire’. The course included a session on the use of a fire extinguisher. A key piece of fire fighting advice was imparted to us, ‘In case of use, point nozzle at fire.’ Where else would you point it, would you try and bounce it off the wall, I don’t think so. Maybe I am being a bit pedantic, but come on I recently read ‘Do not attempt to leave train while the train is moving’

Of course it is not just on the train that you find these bizarre instructions. For instance my parents bought a television with the advice to ‘Turn TV on before use’ or the kettle which instructs you ‘Do not attempt to cook with this kettle’.

A newspaper in the USA recently carried an important piece of information to avoid being attacked by an alligator. The advice was, and this is quite true, ‘Avoid swimming in water inhabited by large alligators!’ I also read in an advice column ‘That if your car is pulled out of a ditch DO NOT drive straight back into the ditch.’ Or what about a brochure for built in wardrobes confirming to the reader that ‘Hanging yourself could be painful so get a professional to do it for you!!!!!!!!!!!’

Finally for now, for this is a subject I shall surely re-visit, a well known UK supermarket is selling a musical 2^nd birthday card yet on the back is a warning stating ‘not suitable for children under 3’

Spare a thought

On Thursday night, a light freight liner derailed on the West Coast Main Line leading to a day of terrible disruption which is still ongoing at the time of writing. No trains went in or out of London for hours. Firstly it must be said that the loco driver was ok. He was injured but mercifully nothing that won’t mend. I would ask all readers to spare a thought for him and the anguish that he will be going through in the coming weeks and months as the investigation into what happens plods along. Also spare a thought for all the passengers whose Friday was ruined as they were unable to get to where they were going. Spare a thought for my passenger whose holiday plans were hanging by a very thin thread as he frantically rang around trying to get a left to the airport and a flight to a warmer week of sun. Spare a thought for all the kids who couldn’t get to school, ok maybe that’s a bit much. Spare a thought for all the railway permanent way guys who have been working all day and night in Arctic conditions trying to get the railway fully operational. Spare a thought for the signallers trying to divert all the traffic around the incident.

The last few days have been very difficult for the railway but much like a family everybody pulled together to provide a service even if it was much restricted and they all deserve a big thank you.

Don't tell him Pike !

As I have mentioned I am not a lover of the nightshift. However, working the last few trains of the night is always a rich source of amusement. Take this week for instance. Firstly, a very common occurrence.  I came across an extremely well dressed middle aged man fast asleep. He was surrounded by such strong alcohol fumes that if  I had taken a breathalyser test I would surely have failed just from standing next to him.  As we were near our journeys end I woke him and asked him

‘Where are you going’ back came a reply that any conductor reading this will be familiar with,

‘Er, mmm, er yes, ah mm eerrr’ fearing I could be there for some time I prompted him but still the poor man could not remember but finally his brain found first gear and we were away. Sadly, we stalled immediately because his scheduled stop was some 50 miles back in the opposite direction. The drunken man got off the train and was left to think about his next move. Normally that would be the end of the matter, but failing to realise the gravity of his situation he asked ‘where’s the café’ . I took some form of perverse pleasure in reminding him it was 2.00 o’clock in the morning.

On the same train the next night I saw two youths get on board. They were stereotypical of the type of lads that a man of a certain age, my age, would cross the road to avoid, hoods up and trousers down and normally accompanied by a dog called Satan. However, they behaved themselves and even sought me out on arrival at our final destination when the still of the night was broken by a cry of

‘Oi boss, how do we get to London?’

‘Tonight, taxi’ I replied

‘No mate, when’s the next train’

‘Three hours from now, there are no more trains tonight’ What can only be described as industrial language followed. I was able to gather that they had got on the train in the belief and I quote ‘that all trains go to London’. Trying not to laugh I told them the train will go London but not for three hours. Now you should never kick a man, or two youths, when they are down but I moved in for the coup de grace

’Lads, you will need tickets’ I informed them

‘We’ve got no money so we’ll take our chance and see how far we can get’ they cheekily replied

‘Well, you won’t get far, you see I am the guard’ I left to the sounds of more industrial language