Don't tell him Pike !

As I have mentioned I am not a lover of the nightshift. However, working the last few trains of the night is always a rich source of amusement. Take this week for instance. Firstly, a very common occurrence.  I came across an extremely well dressed middle aged man fast asleep. He was surrounded by such strong alcohol fumes that if  I had taken a breathalyser test I would surely have failed just from standing next to him.  As we were near our journeys end I woke him and asked him

‘Where are you going’ back came a reply that any conductor reading this will be familiar with,

‘Er, mmm, er yes, ah mm eerrr’ fearing I could be there for some time I prompted him but still the poor man could not remember but finally his brain found first gear and we were away. Sadly, we stalled immediately because his scheduled stop was some 50 miles back in the opposite direction. The drunken man got off the train and was left to think about his next move. Normally that would be the end of the matter, but failing to realise the gravity of his situation he asked ‘where’s the café’ . I took some form of perverse pleasure in reminding him it was 2.00 o’clock in the morning.

On the same train the next night I saw two youths get on board. They were stereotypical of the type of lads that a man of a certain age, my age, would cross the road to avoid, hoods up and trousers down and normally accompanied by a dog called Satan. However, they behaved themselves and even sought me out on arrival at our final destination when the still of the night was broken by a cry of

‘Oi boss, how do we get to London?’

‘Tonight, taxi’ I replied

‘No mate, when’s the next train’

‘Three hours from now, there are no more trains tonight’ What can only be described as industrial language followed. I was able to gather that they had got on the train in the belief and I quote ‘that all trains go to London’. Trying not to laugh I told them the train will go London but not for three hours. Now you should never kick a man, or two youths, when they are down but I moved in for the coup de grace

’Lads, you will need tickets’ I informed them

‘We’ve got no money so we’ll take our chance and see how far we can get’ they cheekily replied

‘Well, you won’t get far, you see I am the guard’ I left to the sounds of more industrial language