Woohoo !!!!!!!!!!

STOP PRESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just received a phone call telling me I got the job of Instructor.......More to follow

Can we do it again............

Well, powerpoint presentation safely on USB stick, I went for my interview for the Instructors job. It went well, so I thought, so you can imagine how disappointed I was not to be asked a single question on my 5 minutes in the frame. I spent most of the rest of the interview wondering what it was about my powerpoint that they didnt like. It looked visually fantastic, thanks to my 14 year old technical expert at home, it was informative, funny and just the right length. I delivered it in a firm, authorative, yet friendly voice, it contained just the right amount of factual information and personal views, yet not one comment. At the end of my time I asked for questions to be met only by a wall of silence that organised crime would be proud of. I carried on through the interview contemplating what mistakes I had made, but I always came to the same conclusion, it was perfect. As for the rest of the interview, well pretty routine really. I was given a variety of scenarios and asked to give my opinion as to what I would have done if I had been in the said situation. So now it is a case of sit tight, keep hands, legs and anything else I can, crossed. I did speak with the other interviewee's for their own very personal interview experiences and found them all to be similar to mine. We have all been promised a quick decision especially as the new trainees start with us in just a couple of weeks. and, I shall, as ever, keep all my readers informed of the outcome. Til the next time, take care riding the rails.

All the news.............

Well as promised here is my review of the film Cop Out. It was good, really good, no honestly it was. OK, the truth, I fell asleep. The trouble with working nights is, wait for it, stop press, you get tired.  It is so hard to stay awake when you are sitting in a warm room, you have eaten well and it's 3am. Unfortunately, Cop Out was not enough to make me stay awake.
I am also pleased to report I got my interview for the Instructor job and have an interview date later this week. I have to do a presentation on the subject of customer service, so I shall be composing a powerpoint presentation to hopefully give me the edge.

As ever, I shall keep you posted.

What time does the matinee start...............

Just starting a week of nights this week so should be some interesting characters riding the rails. I don't mind working at night, of course I would not want to do it all the time. Once every four months is plenty, however, there is never much to do on the night shift. Normally it is one trip and back to the capital and then sit and watch a film, tonights offering is Cop Out starring Bruce Willis, bought for only £1 at a car boot sale.................bargain ! I shall let you know what I think about the film.

Meanwhile much has been quiet on the trains this week. Mind you, my friend, we call him Igor, I dont know why but he has an awful lot of facial hair which might have something to do with it but he has been called Igor for as long as I can remember, anyway back to what he did. While working on an old fashioned type 321 unit, he came out of his cab and started to carry out his revenue duties, all was going well until the next station appeared on the horizon. He made his way back to the cab only to discover, to his horror, that he had locked himself out. Now for a guard this is the height of embarrassment because in an instant the passengers are aware of what has happened. Feeling like you want the ground to open  and swallow you up, your pride takes a further hit as panic sets in. In Igors case he opened a small window and had to shout for help waiting for a passenger to hear his somewhat desperate cries who then somewhat tentatively agreed to go and inform the driver of the situation that had developed within the rear units. Accordingly, his driver came and rescued him and his passengers from their makeshift prison. However, poor Igor,  his acute embarrssment was not yet over, as he had to make the walk of shame along the platform to the rear of the train, open the train from the outside and finally reunite himself with his long lost key. I understand at the end of his shift his first stop was the locksmith to get a spare key cut.

I was never really interested in becoming a driver of a train, indeed I am quite sure I would be useless. However, an opportunity for promotion has arisen and the role of conductor instructor is now up for grabs, so this week I shall be updating my CV and writing a formal letter of application to my employer which hopefully will warrant me a candidate worthy of an interview. Watch this space for any developments.

Anyway off to bed now for the afternoon, so I shall be ready for another hard night watching a film or two.

All quiet on the western front

Well, Easter has come and gone and, if like me you took time off you no doubt are back to the grindstone by now. I spent several days away from the job visiting the East coast of England. I am sorry to say that in keeping with most Bank Holidays the weather was TRULY AWFUL. Is there anything sadder than a holiday resort out of season in bad weather. How sad it is to see the little children playing on a windswept beach in shorts, sandals and a thick winter coat, their legs looking like stilton cheese, Mum wrapped up as if experiencing a nuclear winter and Dad, trying to cheer everyone up by clowning near the sea in just his T shirt. i am pleased to say I spent most of the time in the local coffee shops as we moved from one promenade to another. During my time away from the job, the only train I saw was the one that gave pleasure rides up and down the sea front. I decided to pass up this opprtunity.

Until next time, keep riding the rails.

Special orders............dont fall aseep

What a strange day today was. When I left for work in the morning it was freezing and I had to scrape the ice from my car. Yet by the time I got home it was such a beautiful, hot day. Sadly, I had to carry my winter coat round with me all day. Apart from the differences in the weather nothing worth reporting happened today. I did have a special stop order at Wembley Central because of the football, which meant I had to disable the train doors on the back half of the train but fortunately even this passed off without incident. It is funny though that even though you have followed the correct procedure for disabling the rear train doors your heart is in your mouth just in case it doesn't work. I am not sure why we stopped at Wembley because no one got off and no one got on ! But as that was the most that happened during a 9hr 57min shift on hot sunny day I think I did well to stay awake. It is interesting though how much busier Sundays have become. Of course yesterday there was, as mentioned, football at Wembley and a big concert was taking place in Birmingham.

Well. I'm working afternoons this week so we'll see what the next few days bring, hopefully something worth reporting.

McNulty

Recently there was a report from the Government about how the railway was going to save over  £3Bn. One of the recommendations was to take Guards from trains and go Driver Only Operated.

Last night I got to a rather isolated station and while opening the doors of the train I noticed a young girl carrying a cello or similar large musical instrument. Standing with her were two young men. As i wat ched them boarding the train I just thouhgt something didn't look right. I closed the doors and went to investigate. Before I could get to them the two young men came down the train towards me. I asked them for tickets and not surprisingly they didn't have any. When I asked them to buy two tickets they tried all they could to avoid buying them. Finally however, to their credit they bought 2 tickets to the next station and after giving me some undeserved childish abuse they left the train.

I then remembered the girl who got on the train with them. I went to find her and asked if she knew them and tearfully she explained she did not. She went on to tell me that they had been pestering her and although they had done nothing she had felt quite unsafe and scared because, and I would agree with her, they were very intimidating. She went on to tell me how pleased she was to see me and thanked me for looking out for her.

Now there is nothing to say these lads would have done something terrible if I had not been on the train but at the very least the young girl would have had a very uncomfortable, nervy journey.

I doubt that the Government will read this blog but the events of yesterday are just one reason why Guards must stay on trains.

Anyone for eye-spy Part 2

OK then, let’s recap! It’s late at night, our train is in a train jam and all the passengers have settled down for a potentially long and uncomfortable night.

Now taking my customer service duties seriously I continued to walk up and down the train keeping an eye on my passengers when I came across a guy fast asleep across two aisle seats. Now not wanting to wake him I decided I could jump over him. Sizing up the jump I leapt from the floor like a Gazelle chased by pride of lions when disaster struck. My jump resembled more like a Hippo than a Gazelle because I caught my foot on the floor and proceeded to rip the sole of my shoe from the upper. I walked back to my cab resembling a frogman in undersize flippers slapping the floor with every other step. When I viewed the damage I thought the best thing to do was rip the whole sole off. This was not a good idea. I tugged at the sole which duly relaxed its grip on the top of the shoe and came off. I smiled a smile of contentment but my smile was soon replaced by a look of horror. I had forgotten that if I pulled off the sole there would be nothing between my sock and the floor. Dr Cock Up was well and truly at work, however he had saved his best work for the next sorry chapter. As I sat dejectedly looking at my slightly soiled sock a helpful passenger came up with an idea.

‘I’ve got some tape, why don’t you tape it up’ he said. I quickly mulled over the suggestion and in the absence of any other ideas I decided ‘Let’s do it’. Now, what he failed to tell me was it was bright yellow tape, yes that’s right, bright yellow. Not wanting to offend and without any other viable solution I began to tape the sole to the upper part of the shoe. Have you any idea how much tape you need to stick a shoe together? After I had finished I looked like my foot was stuck in a genetically modified lemon, but at least I wasn’t flapping. By now though, with no hint of a forward movement, the passengers were beginning to wake up and wanted answers and they wanted them fast.

To be continued

Well, I always wanted to see Watford............

As I have written about before, there seems to be a hard core of late night passengers who believe that paying for a ticket after it gets dark is against everything they believe in. If I had a £1 for every passenger who has said 'but it's free after 10 o'clock' I would be a rich man. What amazes me is that most of these people appear to believe it to be true. I have no idea where this fallacy comes from, but this week it reared it's ugly head again but with a unique twist that I have never come across before.

A young lady passenger, when asked for her ticket, gave me a 'booked train only' ticket that had been bought with a young persons railcard. Now if you are unfamiliar with any of these terms it means the ticket was cheap, very cheap. However, the proviso with these tickets is you must have the railcard and the ticket reservation with you. Of course you are probably ahead of me now and have guessed that my passenger had neither. This meant her ticket was invalid, however, her defence was 'anyway it's free after 10pm'. Kerching, chalk up another £1 please. I pointed out it wasn't free and advised her she needed to purchase a ticket. She told me she had no money with her. Sadly for her she had her purse open and clearly visible, a credit card together with several £20 and £10 notes. I told her I did not want to appear rude but I had seen the money. She looked at me as if I had gone mad and, are you ready for it? she told me...........
'That money isn't for buying a ticket it's for me to get around next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'Well' I said 'I hope it will get you round Watford'
'Why is that?' she said
'Why? because thats where you are getting off '
She collected all her bags together while doubting my parentage and left the train. I guess her money did get her round Watford after all.

Any one for Eye-spy ?

It is fair to say, I think, that the railways of the United Kingdom do a fabulous job.  90% of trains run to time, without incident. Of course this means that 10% of the time they run late with an incident. Now, there are many reasons why a train may be delayed, train faults, signal failures or trespass are amongst the more common causes.  Unlike cars, trains seldom end up in a traffic jam, so when they do, chaos is bound to reign.  Just a few short months ago chaos did indeed ensue after my last train working of the night was caught up in one of these rare events, namely a train jam.

Now, on the evening in question we had left on time with a reasonable number of passengers. As we closed on our final destination most people had got off and made their way home leaving around 30 people on board for the final four stops. What could possibly go wrong?  Alarm bells started to ring when we were held on a red signal at the end of the platform. I made an announcement to the train ’Ladies and Gentlemen, we are just being held on a red signal and should get permission to proceed on our journey shortly’ This was to prove not my best ever prediction, in fact it ranks up there with Harold Camping announcing the end of the World….twice.  Anyway, after several minutes we still had not moved and then came the voice of doom ’Can the guard contact the driver.’ I marched purposefully up the train trying not to show any concern to the passengers who were beginning to recognise that the work of Dr Cock-up was afoot.

I let myself in to see the driver who told me that a freight train had broken down immediately in front of us and we were likely to be held up for some time. He had spoken with the signaller, who was unable to give us an estimate of how long we would have to wait. I had to tell the passengers the bad news which went down like the proverbial lead balloon. However, most were grateful to be told the situation and some decided to get off and get a taxi because they were only going to the next stop. That left 25 people plus driver and guard on board the stranded train.  The relevance of the number will become apparent. With nothing to do but sit and wait, both passengers and crew settled in for what we hoped would be a short wait, with no idea of the dramas to come.

To be continued

Down but not out

This week had been a quiet week with not much happening until this morning. I was walking through the train and went into 1^st class where I found a man fast asleep. He was well dressed, in a dark blue pin stripe suit but looked as if he had had a hard night. He smelt of alcohol so it came as no surprise that he would not wake up. I left him alone and decided that I would wake him when I came back through.

A few minutes later I returned to the 1^st class carriage and this time I woke him up. He was a very friendly man and he readily agreed to buy a 1st class ticket. He paid for his ticket in cash and you can imagine how surprised I was when he said ‘keep the change’. In this case the change was around £18. I said I couldn’t but the man insisted and went on to explain that he was on his way home having been out all night. I joked with him that his wife wouldn’t speak to him when he got home and he told me almost apologetically that he had last spoken to his wife at 4pm the previous afternoon when he rang her to say he was going out for a few drinks after work.

‘Oh dear, you really will be in trouble’ I told him

’No, I don’t think I will’ he replied with a cheeky grin.

‘You see, after I left my friends I went to the casino and won £17,000’ and calmly he  proceeded to pull out a wad of bank notes from every pocket of his slightly dishevelled, navy blue, pin striped suit.

Special offer 1 for 2 !!

You do meet all types of people on the train. It is fascinating to speak with them because everybody has a story. Without doubt those you remember have, invariably, done something or said something funny. Now I like to think I can always think of something funny to say but as I have already shown you all, many times I am lost for words and yes, it happened again this week.

I met a man coming down the train acting as though he had lost something. I asked if I could help him. He explained he wanted to charge his mobile phone and was looking for a socket. I told him the only sockets were in 1st class.
'I thought so' he said and turned around, but as he walked off I asked to check his ticket. Without question, he got out his wallet and gave me a rather dishevelled looking, but valid ticket. It was one of those which appeared to have been used several times so, I marked the date onto the ticket. As I did so the man walked off  'Excuse me, you need your ticket' I said as I went after him,
'No, it's OK,  I have another' he replied
'Another, for the same journey' I enquired
'Yes, it's in case I lose one !'
I was left standing there totally confused at what I had heard but I can confirm he was serious, he actually did have two tickets for the same journey!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best foot forward

As a guard on the train one of my main duties is the collection of on train revenue, or to put it another way, ticket sales. Now this is part of my work that I really enjoy. I love it when I meet a fare dodger who spins me an elaborate tale involving dragons, demons and a ring which could bring kingdoms to their knees. Well that would be nice, but normally they just claim to have no money.

One Saturday night I met one of these would be hobbits who was on an adventure to the City of London. It was around 8 in the evening and I was not in the best mood having already worked a shift so long I could have read Lord of the Rings.

‘Tickets and Passes please’ I called out and dutifully everyone in the carriage complied with my request. Except that is for one passenger. A young lad started to explain he had no ticket and was not going to buy one because, all together now, he had no money!

However, there was a twist to the plot. He volunteered to go to the ATM and promised he would return to the train to buy a ticket. Now as you can imagine I was more than a little sceptical about his generous offer, being 100% certain that he would run away as fast as his legs would take him. Of course, the practicalities of running to a timetable meant there was no way I could hold up the train to wait for him.

I knew there was no way of prizing any money out of my fare dodger but like a cat with a mouse I decided to have some fun and teach him a lesson at the same time.

‘OK’ I said ‘you can go and get the money but first give me your shoe’

‘What’ he exclaimed. I told him that I thought he would run away if I let him off the train so I wanted his shoe to ensure his swift return. He looked down at his feet and told me ‘but I’ve got no socks on’

I replied it was OK because he could hop. I was duly amazed as he proceeded to untie his shoe and meekly handed it over.  I took it off him and left for the next carriage. As we pulled into the station I heard the internal door open and saw the comic sight of the boy as he hopped slowly towards to me past some astounded fellow travellers. I looked at him standing there on one leg and, to tell the truth I felt slightly sorry for him.

‘I’m sorry’ he told me staring down at his foot

I decided he had learned his lesson,

‘I bet you feel really silly’ I said, embarrassed, he agreed and I gave him back his shoe but not without giving him a stern telling off.         

All together now !

My story begins when I noticed a man leading a one man sing song in a carriage. I politely asked him to stop. However, excess alcohol meant his impromptu Karaoke continued with a rousing rendition of Wonderwall by Oasis.  I say rousing, yet I think shouted would be a better description. I pointed out no-one else wished to here his back catalogue of 90’s Britpop and if he continued he would be ‘invited’ to leave the train. He responded with a familiar comment ‘You can’t throw me off, because I’m getting off you t@#*’. At this point in the pantomime an off duty police officer stepped up to offer assistance. To my drunk this was a heaven sent opportunity and he launched into a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at the Officer, who never rose to the provocation. On arrival at the next station the man stumbled to the door and asked me ‘How far to Aylesbury’

‘About 7 miles’ I replied

‘No seriously, how far?’

‘7 miles’ I said

‘OK how far would it be if the copper wasn’t stood there?’

Baffled I reiterated clearly ‘7 miles’ but the man was still not happy and asked ‘what if I went by taxi?’

I was by now agitated and said sternly ‘it will still be 7 miles’

‘Oh grow up’ he barked at me and disappeared into the night to the strains of a largely off key ‘your twistin’ my melon man’, leaving me speechless at the train door.

Eats shoots and leaves 1

Have you ever considered how funny instructions can be. For instance, the automatic train announcements always advise passengers, when leaving the train to take all their bags with them. Not just some of their bags, but all of them. Has anyone ever, in the history of passenger train travel, sat and wondered if they should take all their bags with them or would it be better to leave one or two behind.

I recently attended a training course entitled ‘What to do in the event of a fire’. The course included a session on the use of a fire extinguisher. A key piece of fire fighting advice was imparted to us, ‘In case of use, point nozzle at fire.’ Where else would you point it, would you try and bounce it off the wall, I don’t think so. Maybe I am being a bit pedantic, but come on I recently read ‘Do not attempt to leave train while the train is moving’

Of course it is not just on the train that you find these bizarre instructions. For instance my parents bought a television with the advice to ‘Turn TV on before use’ or the kettle which instructs you ‘Do not attempt to cook with this kettle’.

A newspaper in the USA recently carried an important piece of information to avoid being attacked by an alligator. The advice was, and this is quite true, ‘Avoid swimming in water inhabited by large alligators!’ I also read in an advice column ‘That if your car is pulled out of a ditch DO NOT drive straight back into the ditch.’ Or what about a brochure for built in wardrobes confirming to the reader that ‘Hanging yourself could be painful so get a professional to do it for you!!!!!!!!!!!’

Finally for now, for this is a subject I shall surely re-visit, a well known UK supermarket is selling a musical 2^nd birthday card yet on the back is a warning stating ‘not suitable for children under 3’

Spare a thought

On Thursday night, a light freight liner derailed on the West Coast Main Line leading to a day of terrible disruption which is still ongoing at the time of writing. No trains went in or out of London for hours. Firstly it must be said that the loco driver was ok. He was injured but mercifully nothing that won’t mend. I would ask all readers to spare a thought for him and the anguish that he will be going through in the coming weeks and months as the investigation into what happens plods along. Also spare a thought for all the passengers whose Friday was ruined as they were unable to get to where they were going. Spare a thought for my passenger whose holiday plans were hanging by a very thin thread as he frantically rang around trying to get a left to the airport and a flight to a warmer week of sun. Spare a thought for all the kids who couldn’t get to school, ok maybe that’s a bit much. Spare a thought for all the railway permanent way guys who have been working all day and night in Arctic conditions trying to get the railway fully operational. Spare a thought for the signallers trying to divert all the traffic around the incident.

The last few days have been very difficult for the railway but much like a family everybody pulled together to provide a service even if it was much restricted and they all deserve a big thank you.

Don't tell him Pike !

As I have mentioned I am not a lover of the nightshift. However, working the last few trains of the night is always a rich source of amusement. Take this week for instance. Firstly, a very common occurrence.  I came across an extremely well dressed middle aged man fast asleep. He was surrounded by such strong alcohol fumes that if  I had taken a breathalyser test I would surely have failed just from standing next to him.  As we were near our journeys end I woke him and asked him

‘Where are you going’ back came a reply that any conductor reading this will be familiar with,

‘Er, mmm, er yes, ah mm eerrr’ fearing I could be there for some time I prompted him but still the poor man could not remember but finally his brain found first gear and we were away. Sadly, we stalled immediately because his scheduled stop was some 50 miles back in the opposite direction. The drunken man got off the train and was left to think about his next move. Normally that would be the end of the matter, but failing to realise the gravity of his situation he asked ‘where’s the café’ . I took some form of perverse pleasure in reminding him it was 2.00 o’clock in the morning.

On the same train the next night I saw two youths get on board. They were stereotypical of the type of lads that a man of a certain age, my age, would cross the road to avoid, hoods up and trousers down and normally accompanied by a dog called Satan. However, they behaved themselves and even sought me out on arrival at our final destination when the still of the night was broken by a cry of

‘Oi boss, how do we get to London?’

‘Tonight, taxi’ I replied

‘No mate, when’s the next train’

‘Three hours from now, there are no more trains tonight’ What can only be described as industrial language followed. I was able to gather that they had got on the train in the belief and I quote ‘that all trains go to London’. Trying not to laugh I told them the train will go London but not for three hours. Now you should never kick a man, or two youths, when they are down but I moved in for the coup de grace

’Lads, you will need tickets’ I informed them

‘We’ve got no money so we’ll take our chance and see how far we can get’ they cheekily replied

‘Well, you won’t get far, you see I am the guard’ I left to the sounds of more industrial language

It’s a great plan, what could possibly go wrong?

I really do not enjoy working the night shift. Fortunately, I only have to endure them every three months, and then only for only a week at a time. As anyone who has ever waited for anything knows, the clock ticks slower than ever, as your eyes gradually begin to feel heavier and heavier, and just as you finally submit yourself to the inevitable sleep, your train arrives and it is back to the grindstone.

It was whilst working a nightshift that I chanced upon two of the unluckiest lads I have had the dubious pleasure to meet. I was working my last train of the night, although it was also one of the first trains to leave the in the morning. While carrying out my revenue duties I found two young men looking like they had had a sleepless night much like myself. I asked them for their tickets and, if truth be told, was surprised to find that they both were able to present a valid ticket to me.  However, on closer inspection both had given me a child ticket. On this occasion however, I took pity on them and decided to accept that they were in fact about 5 years younger than I thought and I moved on.

Finally we reached our destination and I was able to head home to a most welcome slumber. Yet as I was leaving the station I saw both boys had been stopped at the station exit barriers by the Revenue Protection Officers and were being asked to prove their ID and their age, but, surprise, surprise they had no proof with them. It was now their luck ran out. A man standing in the queue behind them said

‘Excuse me, but they do have ID’. Surprised by this intervention everybody turned to look and the man proceeded to explain.

‘You see, I am a custody sergeant for the police and these two were arrested last night for burglary and I booked them in! ‘Both men were subsequently prosecuted for their misdemeanours.  A bad night for them had suddenly turned into an even worse day.

But we're British, it's what we do.............

During times of difficulty we Anglo-Saxons certainly know what to do to make things better. We turn to a cup of tea. Well this evening was definitely a hard time. A series of signal failures lead to severe delays and cancellations. Poor commuters heading home were left on the platforms in a sea of despondant humanity all hoping for a miraculous change in circumstances that sadly took hours to arrive. However, as a member of train crew this situation presented a welcome opportunity to rest awhile, well 3 hours actually, in the salubrious surroundings of the mess room.  So what to do in these trying times but turn to a cup of tea. Risking life and limb I ventured onto the concourse and made my way to the cafe '2 teas please' only to be told 'sorry we haven't got any water'. I don't think I need to say anymore.

Of course I do, it’s a bloke who dresses in his mothers’ clothes…

It is hard to feel alone on the railway. Ordinarily you are surrounded by people from all walks of life who are just trying to get from A to B. Of course most of these people don’t want to talk to you. As I have mentioned before you do get asked the odd question, ’Is this Shrewsbury?’ whilst standing on the platform at Wolverhampton.

However, earlier this week I had one of those rare occasions when I felt very alone. It was one of those moments you think to yourself ‘Oh no’. You know, when you are in a café, train or bus and the ‘nutter’ gets on, you start to look out of the window or at your shoes in fact anywhere but no matter how hard you try you can't help but make eye contact, and they come and sit with you, and you think ‘oh no’ as they say ‘do you like fish?’

Anyway, let me set the scene. It is late at night, a virtually empty train, a train which is running on half power leading to an eerie half light, the smell of KFC wafting down the carriages and a guard shortly to finish a 9hour 46 minute shift. A guard, who, on this fateful night, decided to take a walk through the train just to see if anyone has fallen asleep and missed their stop. A guard, who, walked into 1st class and found a young woman sat bolt upright, at a table and looking slightly anxious,

‘Hello, are you ok?’ I enquired

‘Yes’ a moments pause and then she asked ‘Do you know what a psychopath is?’ OK, at this point I start frantically to look out of the window, at my shoes, my drink, her drink, anybody’s drink but it’s no good I can’t help myself,

‘Yes, of course’ and I’m now at her mercy, the fly caught in the spiders web.

‘What, what is a psychopath?’ she questioned,

‘Well it’s a bloke who wears his Mums clothes’ I joked. I now know this was not the time for fooling.

‘You see, you don’t know’ screeched the woman who was by now extremely agitated,

‘Nobody does’ she stood up and pointed at me and carried on, ‘I told her to leave me alone or I would tell the police, well it’s her problem now and why would she make friends with my sister, she now came from behind her table and advanced towards me, I felt like shouting out ‘I do like fish’ however, always the professional I once more enquired if she was OK and her reply left me in no doubt that she was, in fact, not OK. ‘Why don’t you sit down’ I spluttered, yet this only brought about a fresh round of questions regarding my knowledge of psychiatry, her sisters relationship with the other woman and, oddly, if I wanted to see her ticket!

As she got a second wind up I began to realise that she was talking about herself, she was the other woman. I made my excuses and left for the safety of the front of the train. Big mistake. Firstly, no passengers at all in the front half of the train and secondly, I now had to walk back past her. I entered 1st class and she looked at me as if I was a complete stranger and she asked ‘Do you know what a psychopath is?’ My initial reaction was to answer, ‘Yes, you’ but resisting I thought this time I would be clever, so I said ‘No’. Ha, game, set and match to me I thought. But oh no, not so fast, she saw this one coming, ‘You don’t, then sit down and I will tell you’. My heart sank as she launched into a tirade of ranting against the other woman, but then, just as I was imagining the next days headlines, a lifeline was thrown my way in the form of the automated train announcer who called out our imminent arrival at our journeys end.  As I got off the train I saw her talking to a half drunk football fan and they left the station together. I have never seen the football fan again!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riding with The Candy Man..............

I was on the train today that was held up between stations. After informing all the passengers that we would be stopped for around an hour I walked from the front of the train to the back. Sitting right by the back cab a chap asked me if I had anything to eat. I said I had and he asked me what. A little taken a back I joked he wouldn’t want any because he hadn’t tasted my wife’s cooking. Instead of laughing he looked straight at me and said ’I’m serious, I am diabetic’ without thinking I said ‘are you sure’

‘Well of course I’m sure and I need some something sweet’ he replied

Realising the urgency of the situation I ran, yes, ran to the driver and asked him the same question and obligingly he gave me a packet of crisps. Now, not being a Doctor I didn’t know if crisps were the required lifesavers so I decided to ask my passengers for their help and ask them if they could spare some chocolate for a fellow traveller in distress. I must say here and now their generosity was boundless and I returned to my hapless diabetic armed with enough chocolate to put Willy Wonka out of business. He received the gifts gratefully and I retired to my cab happy in the knowledge of a crisis averted. We finally got on the move again and eventually my patient alighted from the train. He thanked me for my help profusely and left. Left that is, with a large bag of free chocolate. In fact the lady who sat across from him told me she never actually saw him eat any. Was this a well rehearsed scam, or a genuine medical emergency, I guess I will never know, but one thing I am sure of, his children will eat well tonight.

Ready steady cook....but not kippers

Today was one of those days when nothing really of any note happened. All my trains ran on time without incident. The weather was fine, cold, but a cloudless blue sky. The passengers were fine, if also a little cold. In fact the only thing of note today was that I had a hot lunch instead of the usual cold meat sandwiches. Today, however, I had a chicken burger, expertly cooked, though I say it myself, with a little help from an 800w microwave. My culinary prowess goes from strength to strength. Not sure how healthy it was but it tasted so good I would imagine that it was not good for me at all. It might now be time to try a ready meal. I have always been too scared to cook in the mess room after seeing an experienced (politically correct speak for old) driver rip a young conductor to pieces for cooking kippers. They left a smell that lingered for days in the mess room leaving it not a pleasant place to be sitting for quite some time.

Send in the dogs….

Did any of you see the CCTV last year of the man in Wales who tried to take his pony on the train? Yes that’s right, his pony. He was captured by the cameras leading his pony into the station lift and onto the platform. On arrival of his train he calmly opened the doors and got on. Can you imagine the surprise of his fellow passengers on seeing a white pony board the train. Of course the intrepid guard did not allow his equine passenger to travel. I understand he had bought a ticket using a senior railcard when he was quite obviously only a yearling!!!!!!!!!! I heard that the pony enjoyed his day out so much that the next day he went to the zoo and then the local cinema!

This made me think about other animals I have seen on the train. Of course I did have a horde of football fans that trashed a first class carriage after an FA Cup defeat that was apparently hard to take. But I am talking about our four legged friends. Now I have never had anything bigger than a dog on board the train. However, even as a committed dog lover I am always wary when I find them in the confined space of the train. As you know the one thing we can be sure of is we don’t know how the dog will react. It is fair to say in 95% of cases the animals are fine and often take no notice of me or anybody else on board. However, that does leave 5% and it is this 5% that passes into railway folklore. I have been growled at, snapped at and barked at, and that’s just by the passengers, but my worst run in with a dog came some 3 years ago. Late one balmy summer evening I was on one of the last trains to the City.  A middle aged rather tough looking man, you know the type, all tattoos and heavy gold jewellery with a shaven head, got on the train with 2 German Shepherd dogs. Now these dogs were not puppies if you know what I mean. To be honest they would not have looked out of place outside Baskerville Hall. But, ever the professional I went for a ticket check. As I approached the trio the dogs went on full alert. Now they say dogs can smell fear, let me tell you I could smell fear. ‘Are they friendly?’ I stuttered.

‘Most of the time’ came a slightly menacing reply.  Both dogs sat to attention and stared ahead right at me and I am sure I noticed some lip curling going on.  Bravely I asked ‘have you got a ticket mate?’

‘No’ OK this was not the answer I was expecting or wanting. I looked at the dogs, I looked at the guy and decided this was not the time to push it. At this point I noticed that the carriage was completely clear of other passengers and it was about now I decided to make a tactical withdrawal back to where I had come from and the safety of the back cab with its lockable, savage-dog proof doors. I calmly unlocked the door,  stepped in and was relieved to have made it back to my safe haven. Yet my relief was premature for as I turned to await the doors to shut, and if you are familiar with train doors they do take an eternity to close, the maniac dog owner let out a command that was understood by both dogs and unwilling victim ‘fetch’ at which point both dogs hurtled free from their leads down the train towards my door where I was standing. Now readers, many things went through my head most of which are unprintable but it was about now I began to ponder the working of a train door. You see when you are training you are taught the many different ways to open a train door often in an emergency that you hope will never happen. Now, can you think of a flaw in our training? No, then let me enlighten you. How do you close the doors in an emergency? This procedure does not crop up in the syllabus. Well I can give you the answer. You can’t close the doors in an emergency. You can push that door for all your worth, you can flick whatever switch you can reach but that door is going to close only when the door itself deems that you have endured enough of whatever peril is bearing down upon you. In my case that peril was 2, not 1, but 2 extremely large and even more angry canine conductor hunter killers.  As I stood rooted to the spot with nowhere to go even if my legs hadn’t turned to concrete posts a dramatic race began to unfold, dog versus door. I don’t know if the man had pulled this stunt before but I take my hat off to his timing for just as the two dogs reached me the doors shut, and I locked them tight. When the feeling came back to my legs I took a step forward to spy into the train. The carriage now appeared empty but I decided to stay in the safety of the cab rather than risk a potential ambush. I never did see the man or the dogs get off the train and fortunately I have not seen him since and I never want to.

Animals are nothing if not unpredictable and are capable of doing things which are so funny you have to pinch yourself to see if they are true. I am reminded of another dog ‘funny’ in my previous job as the man from the Pru(insurance salesman). My job involved going to peoples houses to try and sell insurance policies. One day, whilst accompanied by my boss, I went to visit, let’s call her Mrs R.  Now Mrs R lived on a local council run estate and we turned up for a first visit. These appointments were called fact finds and were designed to gather data about our prospective client so we could make sound financial recommendations. They were normally very relaxed affairs and would last about an hour. So, we arrived at Mrs R’s house and as we walked up the path a rather skinny mongrel dog walked with us to her door. We were invited in and as we went into the house the dog came in with us and lay down in the sitting room where we were to have the meeting. No parties present commented on the dog, who, seemed very at home. During the meeting Mrs R offered us a cup of tea which we gratefully accepted. However, whilst she was making the tea the dog got up and started to walk round in circles. As a dog owner I recognised the tell tale signs of a dog about to go to the toilet. Sure enough the dog confirmed my fears and proceeded to defecate right in front of us. Both myself, and my colleague exchanged rather embarrassed looks but if the truth be told we found it rather funny.  When Mrs R returned with the tea she immediately took one look at the ‘deposit’ and rather than scold the dog she looked at the two of us with a kind of disgusted look but continued to serve tea without any reference to the offending item. Finally the meeting came to its natural conclusion and we left on reasonably good terms. During all this time the dog never moved, in fact you wouldn’t have known it was there but for the odd audible moan of contentment.  As we said our goodbyes and walked down the path Mrs R called out behind us ‘Hey, aren’t you going to take your dog with you?’

You see, it wasn’t her dog.

Dogs surely are mans best friend but on both the above occasions I was not pleased to see them unlike the guard in Wales who will be eating out for years thanks to a man with white pony.

If it's after 10 then all aboard !

Just a quick short story for you. Whilst working the late train last night I decided to do a quick ticket check. I walked into First Class and found only one passenger in there. 'Tickets please' the lady, who was resting her head on the table, looked at me and said 'I dont have one'. I asked her where she was going and she asked why. I told her she needed a ticket. Her reply surprised me because she explained calmly that she didn't need a ticket because it was free travel after 10.00pm. Needless to say she left first class with a full price ticket and a face as long as her journey.

Croeso i Milton Keynes

When  J K Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter book she could surely not have imagined the immense contribution to railway legend she was about to make. Ever since the first time Harry and Ron charged headfirst into the wall at the back of  platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross, a generation of children of a certain age, together with adults of a certain drunken state, have attempted to pass through the solid stone walls of the old station, testament indeed to the writing of the talented Miss Rowling, and, to the strong desire to believe and to the power of extra strong lager.  However, these would be wizards have given us many stories of gruesome injuries and wounded egos. On the train of course we all hear or see things which make us wonder what were they thinking?

For any of you who know the mainline London stations you will know there is only one way in and out. This means, much to Harry Potters delight, there are solid walls at the end of the platforms offering the chance to transport yourself to another rarely visited world known as… hospital.  Earlier this week whilst waiting to leave the station one passenger was heard asking ’which way does the train go? ’ OK we are not all Sherlock Holmes but this is not the Hogwarts Express it’s the 9.24 to a sleepy home counties town that has seen no witchcraft since the days of Matthew Hopkins during the civil war.

So not knowing which way you are going is one thing and being kind, if you don’t use the train very often I suppose it is forgiveable but to not know which country you are in!  A family were talking and the daughter asked ‘where are we?’

‘Milton Keynes’ replied the mother

‘Oh, are we in Wales then’ I think it is safe to assume that the young lady in question will rely heavily on her SatNav in the years to come.

Regularly I am asked all sorts of questions as I walk through the train such as a simple request like ‘what time do we arrive in London’, simple that is providing we are going to London.  Some of my other highlights are the old favourite asking the guard whilst the train is speeding apparently towards oblivion ‘are you the driver’ closely followed by ‘how does the train know where to stop’. I find this interesting because when you have infrequent travellers the guard is probably the only train crew they see so it would seem logical to think that the guard is the driver despite how funny it may sound to those of us in the know.  Also funny was the comment made a teenage boy, who like most teenage boys knew, so he thought, everything,  when telling me in front of  his admiring parents how clever the train computer was to be able to tell the train where to stop. On this occasion I just agreed and both boy and parents were left to feel good, which is surely what my job is all about.   

Up in the North of this great country of ours there is a saying which goes ‘there’s nowt as funny as folk’. Railway passengers, it seems, go out of their way to maintain this old adage, they walk past you, point at the train and ask ‘Is this Nottingham?’ No, it’s a train. Or how about ‘can you tell me what time we arrive’ well, arrive where?’

Now I don’t want to give the impression that I am taking the mickey out of our passengers but I did say that humour abounds on the railway. It is hard not to see the humour in being asked ‘excuse me, but am I on the right train?’  because, you see, I don’t know where you are going.  I do, of course, understand that rail travel can be, to the uninitiated, somewhat confusing. Train stations are often busy, noisy and significantly, full of trains only one of which is yours.

Another question I get asked regularly is,

‘Is this the fast train?’

‘Well it goes over 100mph is that fast enough’ I then walk off grinning like a Cheshire Cat, train crew 1 v Passengers 0. It must be said at this point I always go back and answer the question correctly but you see I just can’t help myself. When I first started working I was told of the importance of asking the correct question which leaves no room for ambiguity. Years ago when I first started working I can still remember being ritually humiliated in a sales training course.  Whilst looking at an imaginary picture on an imaginary wall I asked my trainer ‘are those your children hanging on the wall’ then, realising what I had said, I felt like one those Saturday night revellers running headfirst into platform 9 ¾. So you see, what goes around does indeed come around.

Dont waive a red rag at a chicken............

I have always thought what a thoroughly humourless bunch our daily commuters are. They never raise a smile, rain or shine. They stand there in organised ranks until the train arrives, when they spring into life and we observe the commuters Grand National as the throng of humanity charge to reach the doors, and then proceed to aim for their daily seat. I am sure the next few seconds dictate how their day is going to go, for if someone is sitting in their normal seat..........well you know the rest. Anyway this week was worse than normal. Firstly, of course, after all the festivities of the Christmas and New Year period it was return to work morning. Never a good time, for it is while standing on the platform waiting to go to work that you start to ponder the year stretching ahead of you like a Bank Holiday traffic jam and wondering will you ever get to the end of it.  You can think about all the good intentions from last year that never came to fruition, you never gave to that charity you saw on TV, you didn't go to the gym and  you certainly didn't give up your job and move to the country to raise rare breeds of chickens. Hence the reason you're standing on the platform waiting for the train to take you to the metropolis at stupid o'clock still dreaming of Lincolnshire Buffs and Scots Dumpys.

This week of course, of all weeks, we have had some atrocious weather. So not only are our passengers returning to work for a 12 month stretch but they are doing so in the midst of the worst storms since, well, since the last time the press told us we were enduring the worst storms since records began. Of course the bad weather has given rise a whole collection of new coats with matching hats and gloves, you knew it was going to be worthwhile standing in the queues at 5.00am vouchers in hand waiting for the post Christmas sales to start.

So, you're going back to work at the start of a new year, its rainy and cold, there is someone sitting in your usual seat, what could possibly make the start of your day, nay year, even worse.  How about a rise in the cost of your ticket. Okay, I know how you feel and you're right it is annoying but there is no point in taking it out on the train crew. Believe me, my colleagues on the train and I didn't set the fare increases and we don't have the ear of the people who did so why take your frustration out on us. If you are though, at least have the courage to tell us to face to face, dont wait until we have gone past and then make some remark that is designed for us to hear, what do you think we are going to say other than agree with you. As I walked through the train I came across a group of 4 smartly dressed city types, 'tickets and passes please' all four duly obliged without a cross word from their lips yet as I came back and passed by them, the young lady(and I use the term lady quite incorrectly) waited for me to be within earshot and announced to those around her that 'it doesn't matter what the ticket costs it will still be a sh1t service'. Now we both knew she wanted a reaction but I am afraid to say as she waived the red flag behind me I rather pathetically waived a white one back. You see in a carriage full of angry, wet, cold workshy commuters discretion was the better part of valour and I made a tactical retreat to the safety of the cab to lick my wounds.

So when we arrive at our final destination our gallant commuters, still smileless, file out of the doors of the train still dreaming of the small holding and those chickens.Maybe this year, just maybe.

Welcome to A View From The Cab

A very big welcome to this, my blog. I hope you find it interesting. If you have ever watched the hit US TV series Seinfeld, you might be familiar with the format, that is, this is a blog about nothing. Now there is an idea. You see, on the train every day I come across day to day scenarios that are familiar to us all in our own worlds,  frustration, anger, humour, kindness, arrogance and many more besides. Of all of these I am glad to say that humour is by far the most common because you can find the humour in any situation. Of course, there are days when nothing of note happens at all. However, these days are rare. When you do get one of these days then you are thankful but it gives you more time to reflect on important matters such as who was the model for our uniform ! But more about that later.

During the coming blogs I shall introduce various characters who work on or use the railway. Their identities, naturally, will be kept a closely guarded secret as you would expect, but rest assured all the events I shall talk about are real and not made up. In some instances I may have heard about them second hand not having been directly involved but they will be real life events. We often comment when sat around in our messrooms up and down the line that 'you could not make it up' and as you will see some situations are so bizarre you really could not.

Also, I shall not use these ramblings to pass comment on any of my colleagues or my employers. I am very grateful to have been given the chance to work on our railways and will keep my personal inner most thoughts to myself with regards to certain matters. I will, from time to time, refer to some of my previous experiences where I feel it may link to the subject matter that I am writing about.

I do hope you enjoy my thoughts and if you are ever on a train you might spare a thought for the much maligned train crew.